Now What???

Well, the Peace Corps didn't last quite as long as I had planned and now I have...

• No apartment
• No job
• No car
• No plan

When I was in Philly at the Peace Corps staging event before leaving for Mali, I saw this quote from Georgia O'Keefe written somewhere:

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life -- and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do."

That's as true now as ever. As disappointed as I am for not staying in Mali, I'm still proud that I went at all. I did the best I could with the circumstances I was given and that's all I could do. And honestly, the hardest part of the whole experience (as short as it was) was leaving. Never have I ever (haha... good times) felt so awful in my entire life! I did a lot of crying the day I decided to leave, and not because I wanted to go home, it was because I felt like I was disappointing everyone; myself, the Peace Corps, my new friends, and the entire village. I can't even describe the gut-wrenching emotion involved when you have to stand face to face with the members of a village and basically say, "I'm not going to help you, I'm going home now." Especially after how nice they had been and all they had to do to get you there. And it's not like you can just sneak away in the night, okay, you probably can but that's not what I did, even though the thought crossed my mind, I decided if I was going to leave I was going to have the balls to not just disappear.

Once that was all over with, I had to sit with the country director and tell her that I wasn't going to stay. That might not sound so difficult but, if you've ever met Kateri, Mali's director, you'd know how hard that is. Especially, when she's actually being sympathetic and says that out of all the people, she never expected you to ET (early terminate). Luckily, by the time I got to talk to Kateri, I was all out of tears, mostly due to dehydration but tear-free none the less.

Being back at home hasn't exactly been easy either. The first night I was back I was ecstatic. Then I woke up the next morning, not to the sounds of a rooster or donkey, and realized that the experience I had waited so long to have was already over. I don't know about anyone else but I have to prepare myself for things. When I move out of an apartment, I walk around and take one last look at everything. When I leave a job, I take pictures of my desk and save funny emails that I received. When I know there is only one more fudgecicle left, I lick every last drop of chocolate off the stick to savor the flavor. I didn't get to do that with Mali. I assumed I was going to be there a long time so I never even took my camera to my homestay village. I don't have very many pictures at all. I don't know how to contact some of the friends I made there. Some of the people that I really cared for, I never even learned their last names. I just assumed there would be plenty of time for that. Oh, how I was wrong.

Now I find myself breaking down and crying at bizarre times, like on the treadmill. I decided since I didn't really go into the Peace Corps, I was actually just at Fat Camp (yay for losing 10 pounds!!) I might as well try to keep it going by getting on the treadmill every now and then. Then, I can't seem to figure out if the wetness on my face is sweat or tears. I think it's both. At least the physical release of crying makes the working out easier and makes me run faster, so maybe that's a good thing. Although, I'm hoping the sudden outbursts are just side effects of the Mefloquine (the anti-malaria drugs I still have to take for 2 more weeks) I'm hoping that once the crazy pills are out of my system I'll get out of this funk and start feeling like myself again. I've felt like I've been in a fog for quite a while now. Here is a little snipit of the side effects of this literal crazy pill...

"...neuropsychiatric disorders have been reported such as: sensory and motor neuropathies (including paresthesia, tremor and ataxia), convulsions, agitation or restlessness, anxiety, depression, mood changes, panic attacks, forgetfulness, confusion, hallucinations, aggression, psychotic or paranoid reactions and encephalopathy. Rare cases of suicidal ideation and suicide have been reported."

I'm hoping it's just the meds and not just me. Hopefully this funk of mine will pass soon. I can't take feeling this way for too much longer. Unfortunately, tomorrow I have to start taking another anti-malarial drug for the next two weeks. So, for the next 14 or so days, I'm going to be a nut-job!!! Great. Oh well. One day at a time, I guess. At least tomorrow I'm also sending out some resumes so that gives me something to look forward to. We'll see how that goes...