I've been going through my photo albums looking for pictures of Dixie. I started to get upset when I realized there were no pics of her anywhere. I know there are some photos of us at my moms house, but I really wanted to find some in the scrapbooks I made of high school and college. There were none.
Then, as I started looking through the photos, even though she wasn't in them, almost every picture I looked at had a memory I associated with Dixie. For every prom, cotillion, bridesmaid, and formal photo, several hours were spent with Dixie joking around about boyfriends and prom parties and just goofing off in general. In the pictures from architecture school where I chopped all my hair off, I remember Dix being so excited I wanted to do something different and convincing me to add red highlights, even though they turned out pink.
I met Dixie when I was 13. That was 13 years ago. I grew up with Dixie as a friend. And as weird as it seems, she was always a constant. She never seemed to age. I went from little girl to adult in the past 13 years while Dixie stayed the same in my eyes. She was always young, beautiful, and fun. The same way she'll stay in my mind for eternity.
This past week, as I've been trying to come to terms with Dixie's death and the circumstances surrounding it, I've gotten some sentiments from family and friends that have been consoling...
Even though I've never been religious, my sister's Bible verse gave solace to us both: Psalm 34:18 "The lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit"
When talking to Ann Marie, I couldn't understand why someone who had the most caring and giving soul of anyone I've ever known could end her own life. AnnM said that for someone to be able to give so much love, empathy,and compassion to everyone else and have such a huge heart, it was that big heart that could so deeply feel hurt and pain. It was her natural nurturing that made her feel so much sorrow and grief when it wasn't returned to her.
A friend of my mom's said that Dixie died from heart problems. She had a broken heart that never got fixed.
Now there are so many of us that are brokenhearted by the loss of such a beautiful person, inside and out. I just hope that someday Luke and James know what an amazing person their mother truly was.
