Global Shopping Spree

In a conversation with my sister last night, I was reminded of just how different we truly are.

The topic of "china" entered the conversation. My mind immediately envisioned strapping on my backpack and trekking The Great Wall, hopping on and off crowded trains and sampling the unique culture and food

She was thinking more along the lines of picking up a laser scanner and trekking through Macy's trying to dodge the crowds while searching for the perfect pattern of Wedgwood on which to serve food.

Fashion Sense-less

I have received several comments from coworkers on how "cute" I look today. This makes me giggle. Mostly because to me, I look ridiculous!

I am no fashionista, most will attest to that, particularly my sister who has, on several occasions, literally pulled me back into the house while saying, "I'm not letting you leave the house looking like that!!"

On a good day, I'm a plain Jane, jeans and a t-shirt and I'm good to go.

During my vacation in America this past summer, I bought lots of clothes including several "Korean looking" dresses. Ah, what does "Korean looking" mean? In a nutshell it means ridiculous.

Here is a little input into the Korean world of fashion:

Men: pretty much in sync with what is going on in the US (sans anything in the hiphop or rap realm).

Women:
-It's a little bit 1st grade (Hello Kitty or Mickey Mouse is completely acceptable to have on your socks, purse, jeans,... anything)
-It's a little bit early 1990's (lots of busy floral patterns, floppy neck bows, lots of ruffles and frills, and all things bedazzled)
-It's a little bit "Little House On The Prairie"... Cleavage is a no-no (probably because there isn't any here!) so necklines rarely go past the collarbone and usually don't even go past the throat. They also keep their arms covered almost all the time. So from neck to wrist they are covered in trance inducing ruffly floral patterns... just add a bonnet and Young-jin could totally be Laura Ingles! Come to think of it, she derived her English name "Anne" from the book "Anne of Green Gables" which is pretty damn accurate. Well, if Young-jin is Laura Ingles then Min-jung is definitely Nelly Olsen!

and lastly...

-It's a little bit "potato sack meets street walker". Most of the clothes are shapeless sacks. Over sized, unflattering, and overpriced! (Not to mention mistranslated!) Though, I am a little bit envious of not being able to partake in this aspect of their fashion. Most single Korean women in their 20's are so damn thin that they can get away with wearing a burlap sack and still look smoking hot... and they do. Well, a floral ruffly burlap sack anyway.

And what these women lack in cleavage, they make up for in legs. And they work it!! Hard! In the US, the length of their skirts coupled with the height of their heels translates directly to hooker! Skirts so short I'm pretty sure they have to coordinate their bikini waxing with their outfits! And again, I'm envious. Not only because I don't have the legs to pull it off, but because I have a skirt handicap... it's called an ass!

Western women can't wear skirts that short. The extra volume from our butt causes our skirts to rise a few inches in the back. The more ass you have, the more it rides up in the back. So our skirts have to be long enough in the front to keep our cheeks covered in the back. Not the case with Korean women since the vast majority have no butts. Their legs go from toes to torso with not so much as the slightest bump of a bum to get in the way.

So today I wore one of my "Korean looking" dresses to work. It's a short, somewhat shapeless sleeveless dress. It has a checkered, almost plaid pattern with a big floppy collar and big blue buttons. It's navy, red, and tan and I wore black tights and a brown long sleeve shirt under it. (matching or even coordinating isn't something anyone here bothers to do so why should I?).

I was too damn lazy to wash my hair this morning so I took a few barrettes and clipped it all to the top of my head in a very "Sunday morning walk of shame" type of manner. Though my coworkers like when I wear my hair up because it shows off the "shape" of my head. Apparently to Koreans, I have a very desirable head shape.

So yeah, lots of compliments on how I look today. They say, "cute"... I say, "10 year old clown the morning after a 3 day meth bender".

But whatever, cultural difference I guess!

What Am I Doing?

Kim Dong Uk: What am I doing? What is this called?
(as he quickly bends and releases his middle finger using his thumb)
Britne: Flick.
KDU: Flick? So, I'm Flick-ing?
Britne: Yes, that is a flick, so you are flicking.
KDU:  Okay.

Britne:  ???

...later that day...

KDU: Okay class, lets play the memory game with a partner. Say your vocabulary words and take turns adding more words.... Oh, if your partner forgets a word, please flick them in the forehead.

hahaha! Oh, Korea! God love ya!

Oh So Sad...

Why?

Because today I wore socks to work.

There is a direct correlation between my happiness and amount of airflow accessible to my little toes.  

Today was also the first day since May where I didn't have a single bead of sweat drip down my back.  And this is not a good thing.   I love the heat.  It makes me feel alive.  What I don't like is the frigid mind numbing winters that Korea has... and I can feel it in the air, it's almost here!  I've hardly been able to enjoy fall (which is typically my favorite season) because with every big breezy gust of wind, I can't help but think that a few weeks from now, those big gusts are going to knock the wind out of me and have me shivering in my office praying for someone to turn on the heat.

Oh well... c'est la vie.  There is nothing I can do about it.

Oh, but to rub salt in my already foot stifled day,  I had to give another teacher seminar today.  It was the second day of my third series of seminars.  Out of the ten or so participants only 3 ever bothered to speak, at all.  One of the mute ones did eventually speak.  He only said one sentence...  "You look very tired."

 

Great.  Thanks.  That's the polite way of saying "you look like shit."   And I got 10 hours of sleep last night.   Go figure!

Britne's Semi-Annual Sale

Okay, well I'm not really selling anything... except for maybe sunshine and happiness!

Because today is that day.

That day that happens about twice a year.

The day when I wake up rested and happy. The other 363 days I wake up groggy. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get; 6 hours, 8 hours, 12 hours, it makes no difference. Last night I went to bed at 3am and woke up perky and ready to go at 7:30am!

This is what it must feel like to be a morning person. I envy them. Life would be so much better if there were more days like today.

Today all my classes were great. Whether that was a change in the students or a change in me, I don't know. I played more with the kids, we had fun and joked around. I had lots of giggly conversations with my co-teachers.

I want to become a morning person. I am usually energetic and happy, it just doesn't happen until much later in the day. Then no one is around and my positive vibes are wasted.

How can I be a morning person? Is there some night-owls anonymous that I can take? Any voo-doo rituals? I'll shave my head and chant jibberish at a shrine to David Hasselhoff if that's what it takes!

Any ideas? Anyone?

Those Bastards!

I have exciting news! I can read!!!

...sorta.

I went to Daegu today. When I walked by the movie

theater I decided to check out what was playing so I

started to play my usual game of: Match the crazy

Korean characters. It's sort of like mixing an ink blot

test with the memory game. I give names to the

Korean letters I see on the marquee then try to match

them to the movie posters.

For example:

ㄹ would be "snake"

있 would be "winking face with mustache"

옷 would be "vitruvian man"

ㅈ would be "decapitated vitruvian man"

etc...

So I started to play using the word "바스터즈"

but then I stopped. I thought, "No, Britne. C'mon,

you can do this. Sound it out."

So I gave it a shot.

buh.

buh-ah.

buh-ah-shh-eh.

buh-ah-shh-eh-tuh-eo-...

b-a-sh-et-eo...

baseteo...

baster...

bastard... Bastard... BASTARD!

It's Inglorious Basterds!

I did it! I read it in Korean!!! So I preceded to do

my butt wiggling little happy dance in the middle

of a crowd of Koreans while I muttered "Bastard!

Bastard! Bastard! Whoo hoo!"

Too bad though, it was in the "Coming Soon" section.

Oh well, maybe next time!

Look At That Dome!!

Okay, I'll admit it. Today I was just being lazy. 

I didn't want to get up this morning so I just rolled out of bed, threw my hair in a ponytail, picked my jeans up off the floor, grabbed a carrot for lunch (yeah, sad huh?) and ran right out the door.

So I was sitting around my office, chatting with a few ladies, eating apples with toothpicks... like ya do... and in their conversation I heard one of them mutter "Buh-rit-tuh-ne... blah blah blah".

I look up from my apple-on-a-stick and give them the "I know you are talking about me, so spill it..." look.

They giggle for a second and say, "You changey your hair. It is very beautiful today."

I was perplexed by this statement because all I could think was... you mean this greasy mess I call a ponytail?... and as that thought was crossing my mind, one of the women says, "Your brain shape changey."

Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Very possibly true.  I mean, your brain is a muscle right? Mine  has been getting a lot of exercise lately from constant Sudoku puzzles. And when I exercise my ass muscles, my ass shape definitely changes.... so maybe this applies to my brain too!!

Damn, I have the tightest brain in Yeongcheon!

"Wouldn't It Be Loverly"

Before moving to Korea, I had only seen one Audrey Hepburn movie.

When I moved to Charlotte I didn't have TV and I only owned 3 or 4 dvds, so I'd walk to the library and check out their classic movies and "Roman Holiday" happened to be in their selection.

But thanks to Korea's Donga Network and someone's obsession with Audrey Hepburn in the late night programming department, I have now seen the following:

"Roman Holiday"
"Funny Face"
"Sabrina"
"Breakfast at Tiffany's"
"My Fair Lady"

There seems to be a recurrent theme in most of these movies. She starts off with long hair and at some point cuts her long trusses and becomes beautiful and adored by all. It really says something about how strikingly beautiful you are when a pixie haircut enhances your looks!

Unfortunately, I find most of the characters she plays in these movies obnoxious and annoying however, I'm absolutely enamoured with Audrey Hepburn herself. I guess that speaks volumes about how adorably likeable she was and why she remains one of the most popular actresses of all time.

Though I must say, I really love "Roman Holiday" and "Sabrina".....

and I'm sure will see them 50 more times before I leave Korea.

Time For A Change

Things that I do now, that I never did before Korea:

• squeegee the floor after every shower
• roll up my pants before going into a bathroom
• duck when turning on a bathroom sink
• only eat the inside of grapes and leave behind little purple grape carcases
• contemplate my options at toilet paper vending machines
• hear the difference between "Hyundai" and "Haeundae"
• refer to kimchi as "pretty good"
• drink aloe juice, and like it.
• use words like "pagey" "changey" and "lunchy"
• get annoyed if I have to pay more than 2200 won ($2.20) for a taxi
• consider "hello kitty" socks + flip flops acceptable business footwear
• Push when I want to Pull, Pull when I would Push, Lift when I want to Lower, Twist when I would Close... every instinct is opposite here!
• Alpha-numeric Sudoku. I've become a sudoku wizard! 9x9 puzzles with just numbers no longer cut it. I've moved on to 16x16 with letters and numbers. It's definitely a challenge. They should keep me busy for the next month or so... after that, no idea how I'll entertain myself at work.

so many options... what to choose, what to choose?

You Snooze, You Lose!

My two adorable co-teachers Young-jin (Anne) and Dong-uk (Will)...

Anne was exausted and having a hard time staying awake. She asked Will for help

They decided to play Kai, Bai, Boe (Korean version of rock, paper, scissors) except, the loser of each game gets whacked in the head with the big plastic mallet!

It's actually a pretty effective method for waking someone up!

... and what an awesome shirt you have there, Will! Who could have possibly given you such a great shirt???

Vacations: Some Are More Fun Than Others

In one of my 6th grade classrooms the kids have painted pictures of :

"What did you do on your summer vacation?"

I wasn't there when these were painted so I can't be 100% sure as to what the images are, but I can make some pretty good guesses: I went to the beach, I picked apples, I chased dragonflies, etc.

Except for the one on the top row, second from the right...

..."I was caught crossing the border to the North, thrown into a POW camp and forced to do hard labor" ????

Hmmm... had no idea Lara Ling and Euna Lee were in my 6th grade class!

2 Reasons Why I Love Swine Flu

Soap and paper towels!!!

It just so happens that Koreans are paranoid, actually, downright petrified of H1N1. So much so that they've even gone so far as to, dare I say it, install soap and paper towels in the bathrooms!!!

I have been here 7 months now. Last month the soap and paper towels showed up in my school. I've kept soap and hand sanitizer at my desk for months but have managed to stay constantly sick while living here. All of a sudden, I've gone an entire month without a cold!! And the only thing that changed, is they taught the kids (and co-teachers) to wash their hands!

so I ask you this...
Swine flu and Britne's health: Coincidence or divine intervention?

It's Bedtime

Got ready for bed, did a little painting to wind myself down, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I walked by...

"WTF?!?!" I thought.

Ahhhh... totally forgot I painted that on when I was talking to my mom on skype!  

Hmmm, hope that comes off easily.  Probably should have thought about that before giving myself the mustache.   

Now, where's my red wig... ?

Only In Korea...

do students, when playing an alphabet game dealing with animal names,  come up with "dinosaur" and "ox" when we get to the letters "D" and "O"...

But when the category changes to food and the letters "D" and "O" come up again, they all start screaming, "DOG"  and  "OCTOPUS!!!"

Bleh!

I Got Lucky...

There is this one little girl in one of my 4th grade classes that comes up to me every single week and badgers me with questions in Korean.  She eventually gets frustrated at my lack of understanding and wanders off.  So last week she came up to me and asked the following question in Korean:

Her: 한국말 하실 줄 아세요?  (hangukmal hasil jul aseyo?) Do you speak Korean?

Me:  No.

She gives up after this first question, gives a big huff as she shrugs her shoulders and begins to turn to walk away.   Mid turn she stops, swings her body back toward me with her mouth hanging open.  "Teacher!!" she squealed with a kind of WTF look on her face.  

Busted.

She obviously caught me in a little bit of a lie.  I couldn't really answer no to that question if it wasn't at least a little bit of bluff.  

She grabbed a friend of hers and told her that I understood Korean.  She then holds up one finger and tells me, in Korean, to count in Korean.  So I begin...

Il, Ee, Sahm, Sa, Oh...

They started jumping up and down and squealing (in Korean) "She speaks Korean!!"   I gave them a smirky little grin and walked away...

... "Whew," I thought, "that was lucky.  I only know how to say 'I do/ don't speak Korean and my numbers!!  Glad she didn't pick up a pencil and say, 'What's this'!!!"  

Show Some Love For Lovena

Things that won't be the same now that my grandma is gone:

• Christmases or any gift giving occasion. Lovena had a knack for finding the most utterly pointless, and ridiculously hilarious presents. Ex: Cool Whip spatula, blush applicator with pump (shot makeup at your face!), pregnant barbie doll (just what every 10 year old wants!... glad mom made me keep that one!)
• Car Dealerships. They loved her. Every year grandma wanted a new car. She always wanted them bigger and faster than the previous one. But not too big. In 2000 she walked into a dealership looking for a new grandma-ish car and walked out with an Oldsmobile Allero, complete with upgraded sports package with rims, spoiler, and sunroof. When I went to see her 3 weeks ago she wanted to trade in her current Toyota Yaris. She thought it made her look fat!!! Seriously, because the car slopes down towards the front, she assumed people would think it was her that was weighing it down! Haha!!
• Infomercials. Let's face it, we've all been up at 4am and thought, "ya know, I could use a new mop that changes light bulbs and can even julienne fries!" But Lovena never thought it, she always bought it!! And if you were lucky and her purchase came with a "buy now and get the 2nd one free!" ... you were definitely getting it for your birthday! ... and I still use the swivel sweeper! (when I'm in the US)
• Cardboard boxes. Not only excellent for sending things, moving your stuff or a toy for toddlers... these useful little contraptions were perfect for blocking out sunlight and keeping those pesky neighbors from seeing in!! Just add clothespin and voila!
• Yardwork. Many hours picking up apples in the backyard and even walking down the street and trimming the neighbors hedges! (in all fairness, they were blocking her view of the intersection!)

She had her own quirky way of doing things.... and it's all those little quirks that will sorely be missed.  

No Method To My Madness

I don't get me.

I am not a neat-freak. No doubt about that. I've been home over 2 weeks and have yet to unpack my bags. I've just been digging through an open suitcase tossing items left and right until I find what I'm looking for.

When I get home in the evenings, everything just gets dropped at the door. My shoes, my purse, my pants usually get thrown against some distant wall, I've even forgotten the groceries at the door many times. Or, if I'm in an especially tidy mood, I'll just put the entire bag of groceries in the fridge. Bread, milk, canned goods... whatever. I'll deal with it later.

I just keep kicking things to the side to make a little path for me to walk. Though, now I'm out of room and my crap is impeding the flow of traffic on my path. Translation: I keep tripping over my own crap!

Today was my first day back at my elementary school. No classes to teach just yet. Today we just cleaned our office and classroom. After we were finished sweeping, dusting, etc my co-teachers went back to our office to pretend to be busy. I stayed in the classroom obsessively straightening the desks and chairs. Because, God forbid, things not be in a perfect line or at 90 degree angles!!

And I'm always like that. Everyday, every class. My kids still stare at me with a blank stare every morning when I ask, "How are you today?" But they definitely know what I'm saying when I point to them and say, "push in your chair." After class I walk around making sure all the chairs are pushed in equally. No one chair can be sticking out more than the others.

I never lose my keys. Ever. There is a specific place that they live and they never leave it. I can do nothing before my keys are in their designated spot. But my phone, wallet, purse, hell... even my pants, not telling where they are at any given moment.

I recently lost my pants. My pants!!! How in gods name, when you only have 3 pair to begin with, do you lose a pair of pants in a 600 square foot apartment? I tore the place apart looking for them. Only to find them folded in the closet. What little gnome snuck in and folded my pants?

I routinely find the remote in the fridge, makeup in the microwave, and Anastasia gave me crap about an empty pizza box I was too lazy to take down to the trash so I threw it in the fridge... where it lived for the next 5 months!

So how... how on earth can I be on both extremes of the tidiness spectrum? Being on one I can see, but both?

No wonder I don't bother with dating. Why waste time looking for someone who "gets you" when you yourself don't "get you." I've been living in this little head of mine for 28 years, and the stuff going on up there gets more ridiculous by the day!!!

Well, it's 4:30, time for me to leave school and head home.

Now, where the hell did I put my purse? ...

Beer..er English.. er Fitness-Pong

Since they took my middle school away from me, I decided to spend the last day just having fun with my students.  

Taught them a few fitness words:  Push-ups, Sit-ups, Jumping Jacks, Hula Hoop... etc.

I used the American, frat house favorite, Beer-Pong as a template for my game!

Over The Hill

Just this week I hit my 6 month mark here.

On this wild little journey I call Korea, I'm standing at the apex of the hill. Half the journey ahead of me, half of it already behind.

The first 6 months were tough. Getting up the hill is always harder than going down.

Now I have friends, now I know my co-teachers, I know how to get around without having to think about it, my taste buds have finally been singed to the point where I don't break a sweat with every bite of kimchi!!

It's going too fast!!!

I want it all to slow down! I realized when I was back in America just how much I am going to miss this wacky little land. Now I'm starting to get sentimental at the little things and all the things I'll never see again.

I'll never see Buddha's birthday again, or the cherry blossoms, or the yellow dust, or strawberries, the grapes will be gone soon too, and Oh god... summer is almost over, there will never been a green Korea for me again!!!

And I'm definitely not ready to start saying goodbye to people in 6 months! I'm just starting to get to know them all.... and to rub salt in my wounds, today was my first day back at middle school. They informed me that schedules had changed and I won't be coming back to them anymore. I'll just stay all week at my elementary school.

I literally had to fight back tears! That school keeps me sane!! I can't stand having to say goodbye to these kids, they make me so happy. I'm going to miss my boys. They light up my days and we have so much fun. I had finally figured out my rhythm and had so many fun things planned. I was going to be a much better teacher this semester. Now it ended before it began.

I had freedom at this school. Just me and my boys, no co-teachers. No curriculum. No books. Just whatever I threw at them. My elementary school is the polar opposite. Strict curriculum, always going word for word by the book, constantly being scrutinized by co-teachers in class who sometimes let me do little more than be a human tape recorder.

This sucks!!!

Eh, you know the saying: When life hands you lemons... get out the friggin' salt and tequila, it's time for some shots!!!

Uhg, on second thought, after last weekends buckets-o-tequila.... I think I'm done for a while.

"Happiness Is A Warm Puppy"

On Sunday evening I was on the subway in Seoul and a man was peddling cell phones accessories. I noticed the bag he was carrying and, in English, it said, "Happiness is a warm puppy."

This immediately got me thinking.

Let's do a little math, shall we?

If: Happiness is a warm puppy
Then: A = B

And according to Mallory's co-worker, Mr. Yoon, "Eating time is happy time" where Eating time is C

If: we assume Happy Time is equivalent to Happiness

Then: Eating time is Happiness
So: C = A

then....

we apply the Transitive Property of Equality ( if A=B and B=C then A=C)

and since we already established that B = C and inversely C = B

then: Eating time is a warm puppy

now...

factor in the given: Korean people eat dog meat

then: C = B (Eating time is a warm puppy) could very well be a true statement!!!

now...

factor in the variable that many Koreans believe dog meat increases male virility and stamina

then: Eating time is bow chicka wow wow ????

In conlusion: I shouldn't think so hard after a 20+ hour flight!!!!!!