Look At That Dome!!

Okay, I'll admit it. Today I was just being lazy. 

I didn't want to get up this morning so I just rolled out of bed, threw my hair in a ponytail, picked my jeans up off the floor, grabbed a carrot for lunch (yeah, sad huh?) and ran right out the door.

So I was sitting around my office, chatting with a few ladies, eating apples with toothpicks... like ya do... and in their conversation I heard one of them mutter "Buh-rit-tuh-ne... blah blah blah".

I look up from my apple-on-a-stick and give them the "I know you are talking about me, so spill it..." look.

They giggle for a second and say, "You changey your hair. It is very beautiful today."

I was perplexed by this statement because all I could think was... you mean this greasy mess I call a ponytail?... and as that thought was crossing my mind, one of the women says, "Your brain shape changey."

Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Very possibly true.  I mean, your brain is a muscle right? Mine  has been getting a lot of exercise lately from constant Sudoku puzzles. And when I exercise my ass muscles, my ass shape definitely changes.... so maybe this applies to my brain too!!

Damn, I have the tightest brain in Yeongcheon!

"Wouldn't It Be Loverly"

Before moving to Korea, I had only seen one Audrey Hepburn movie.

When I moved to Charlotte I didn't have TV and I only owned 3 or 4 dvds, so I'd walk to the library and check out their classic movies and "Roman Holiday" happened to be in their selection.

But thanks to Korea's Donga Network and someone's obsession with Audrey Hepburn in the late night programming department, I have now seen the following:

"Roman Holiday"
"Funny Face"
"Sabrina"
"Breakfast at Tiffany's"
"My Fair Lady"

There seems to be a recurrent theme in most of these movies. She starts off with long hair and at some point cuts her long trusses and becomes beautiful and adored by all. It really says something about how strikingly beautiful you are when a pixie haircut enhances your looks!

Unfortunately, I find most of the characters she plays in these movies obnoxious and annoying however, I'm absolutely enamoured with Audrey Hepburn herself. I guess that speaks volumes about how adorably likeable she was and why she remains one of the most popular actresses of all time.

Though I must say, I really love "Roman Holiday" and "Sabrina".....

and I'm sure will see them 50 more times before I leave Korea.

Time For A Change

Things that I do now, that I never did before Korea:

• squeegee the floor after every shower
• roll up my pants before going into a bathroom
• duck when turning on a bathroom sink
• only eat the inside of grapes and leave behind little purple grape carcases
• contemplate my options at toilet paper vending machines
• hear the difference between "Hyundai" and "Haeundae"
• refer to kimchi as "pretty good"
• drink aloe juice, and like it.
• use words like "pagey" "changey" and "lunchy"
• get annoyed if I have to pay more than 2200 won ($2.20) for a taxi
• consider "hello kitty" socks + flip flops acceptable business footwear
• Push when I want to Pull, Pull when I would Push, Lift when I want to Lower, Twist when I would Close... every instinct is opposite here!
• Alpha-numeric Sudoku. I've become a sudoku wizard! 9x9 puzzles with just numbers no longer cut it. I've moved on to 16x16 with letters and numbers. It's definitely a challenge. They should keep me busy for the next month or so... after that, no idea how I'll entertain myself at work.

so many options... what to choose, what to choose?

You Snooze, You Lose!

My two adorable co-teachers Young-jin (Anne) and Dong-uk (Will)...

Anne was exausted and having a hard time staying awake. She asked Will for help

They decided to play Kai, Bai, Boe (Korean version of rock, paper, scissors) except, the loser of each game gets whacked in the head with the big plastic mallet!

It's actually a pretty effective method for waking someone up!

... and what an awesome shirt you have there, Will! Who could have possibly given you such a great shirt???

Vacations: Some Are More Fun Than Others

In one of my 6th grade classrooms the kids have painted pictures of :

"What did you do on your summer vacation?"

I wasn't there when these were painted so I can't be 100% sure as to what the images are, but I can make some pretty good guesses: I went to the beach, I picked apples, I chased dragonflies, etc.

Except for the one on the top row, second from the right...

..."I was caught crossing the border to the North, thrown into a POW camp and forced to do hard labor" ????

Hmmm... had no idea Lara Ling and Euna Lee were in my 6th grade class!

2 Reasons Why I Love Swine Flu

Soap and paper towels!!!

It just so happens that Koreans are paranoid, actually, downright petrified of H1N1. So much so that they've even gone so far as to, dare I say it, install soap and paper towels in the bathrooms!!!

I have been here 7 months now. Last month the soap and paper towels showed up in my school. I've kept soap and hand sanitizer at my desk for months but have managed to stay constantly sick while living here. All of a sudden, I've gone an entire month without a cold!! And the only thing that changed, is they taught the kids (and co-teachers) to wash their hands!

so I ask you this...
Swine flu and Britne's health: Coincidence or divine intervention?

It's Bedtime

Got ready for bed, did a little painting to wind myself down, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I walked by...

"WTF?!?!" I thought.

Ahhhh... totally forgot I painted that on when I was talking to my mom on skype!  

Hmmm, hope that comes off easily.  Probably should have thought about that before giving myself the mustache.   

Now, where's my red wig... ?

Only In Korea...

do students, when playing an alphabet game dealing with animal names,  come up with "dinosaur" and "ox" when we get to the letters "D" and "O"...

But when the category changes to food and the letters "D" and "O" come up again, they all start screaming, "DOG"  and  "OCTOPUS!!!"

Bleh!

I Got Lucky...

There is this one little girl in one of my 4th grade classes that comes up to me every single week and badgers me with questions in Korean.  She eventually gets frustrated at my lack of understanding and wanders off.  So last week she came up to me and asked the following question in Korean:

Her: 한국말 하실 줄 아세요?  (hangukmal hasil jul aseyo?) Do you speak Korean?

Me:  No.

She gives up after this first question, gives a big huff as she shrugs her shoulders and begins to turn to walk away.   Mid turn she stops, swings her body back toward me with her mouth hanging open.  "Teacher!!" she squealed with a kind of WTF look on her face.  

Busted.

She obviously caught me in a little bit of a lie.  I couldn't really answer no to that question if it wasn't at least a little bit of bluff.  

She grabbed a friend of hers and told her that I understood Korean.  She then holds up one finger and tells me, in Korean, to count in Korean.  So I begin...

Il, Ee, Sahm, Sa, Oh...

They started jumping up and down and squealing (in Korean) "She speaks Korean!!"   I gave them a smirky little grin and walked away...

... "Whew," I thought, "that was lucky.  I only know how to say 'I do/ don't speak Korean and my numbers!!  Glad she didn't pick up a pencil and say, 'What's this'!!!"  

Show Some Love For Lovena

Things that won't be the same now that my grandma is gone:

• Christmases or any gift giving occasion. Lovena had a knack for finding the most utterly pointless, and ridiculously hilarious presents. Ex: Cool Whip spatula, blush applicator with pump (shot makeup at your face!), pregnant barbie doll (just what every 10 year old wants!... glad mom made me keep that one!)
• Car Dealerships. They loved her. Every year grandma wanted a new car. She always wanted them bigger and faster than the previous one. But not too big. In 2000 she walked into a dealership looking for a new grandma-ish car and walked out with an Oldsmobile Allero, complete with upgraded sports package with rims, spoiler, and sunroof. When I went to see her 3 weeks ago she wanted to trade in her current Toyota Yaris. She thought it made her look fat!!! Seriously, because the car slopes down towards the front, she assumed people would think it was her that was weighing it down! Haha!!
• Infomercials. Let's face it, we've all been up at 4am and thought, "ya know, I could use a new mop that changes light bulbs and can even julienne fries!" But Lovena never thought it, she always bought it!! And if you were lucky and her purchase came with a "buy now and get the 2nd one free!" ... you were definitely getting it for your birthday! ... and I still use the swivel sweeper! (when I'm in the US)
• Cardboard boxes. Not only excellent for sending things, moving your stuff or a toy for toddlers... these useful little contraptions were perfect for blocking out sunlight and keeping those pesky neighbors from seeing in!! Just add clothespin and voila!
• Yardwork. Many hours picking up apples in the backyard and even walking down the street and trimming the neighbors hedges! (in all fairness, they were blocking her view of the intersection!)

She had her own quirky way of doing things.... and it's all those little quirks that will sorely be missed.  

No Method To My Madness

I don't get me.

I am not a neat-freak. No doubt about that. I've been home over 2 weeks and have yet to unpack my bags. I've just been digging through an open suitcase tossing items left and right until I find what I'm looking for.

When I get home in the evenings, everything just gets dropped at the door. My shoes, my purse, my pants usually get thrown against some distant wall, I've even forgotten the groceries at the door many times. Or, if I'm in an especially tidy mood, I'll just put the entire bag of groceries in the fridge. Bread, milk, canned goods... whatever. I'll deal with it later.

I just keep kicking things to the side to make a little path for me to walk. Though, now I'm out of room and my crap is impeding the flow of traffic on my path. Translation: I keep tripping over my own crap!

Today was my first day back at my elementary school. No classes to teach just yet. Today we just cleaned our office and classroom. After we were finished sweeping, dusting, etc my co-teachers went back to our office to pretend to be busy. I stayed in the classroom obsessively straightening the desks and chairs. Because, God forbid, things not be in a perfect line or at 90 degree angles!!

And I'm always like that. Everyday, every class. My kids still stare at me with a blank stare every morning when I ask, "How are you today?" But they definitely know what I'm saying when I point to them and say, "push in your chair." After class I walk around making sure all the chairs are pushed in equally. No one chair can be sticking out more than the others.

I never lose my keys. Ever. There is a specific place that they live and they never leave it. I can do nothing before my keys are in their designated spot. But my phone, wallet, purse, hell... even my pants, not telling where they are at any given moment.

I recently lost my pants. My pants!!! How in gods name, when you only have 3 pair to begin with, do you lose a pair of pants in a 600 square foot apartment? I tore the place apart looking for them. Only to find them folded in the closet. What little gnome snuck in and folded my pants?

I routinely find the remote in the fridge, makeup in the microwave, and Anastasia gave me crap about an empty pizza box I was too lazy to take down to the trash so I threw it in the fridge... where it lived for the next 5 months!

So how... how on earth can I be on both extremes of the tidiness spectrum? Being on one I can see, but both?

No wonder I don't bother with dating. Why waste time looking for someone who "gets you" when you yourself don't "get you." I've been living in this little head of mine for 28 years, and the stuff going on up there gets more ridiculous by the day!!!

Well, it's 4:30, time for me to leave school and head home.

Now, where the hell did I put my purse? ...

Beer..er English.. er Fitness-Pong

Since they took my middle school away from me, I decided to spend the last day just having fun with my students.  

Taught them a few fitness words:  Push-ups, Sit-ups, Jumping Jacks, Hula Hoop... etc.

I used the American, frat house favorite, Beer-Pong as a template for my game!

Over The Hill

Just this week I hit my 6 month mark here.

On this wild little journey I call Korea, I'm standing at the apex of the hill. Half the journey ahead of me, half of it already behind.

The first 6 months were tough. Getting up the hill is always harder than going down.

Now I have friends, now I know my co-teachers, I know how to get around without having to think about it, my taste buds have finally been singed to the point where I don't break a sweat with every bite of kimchi!!

It's going too fast!!!

I want it all to slow down! I realized when I was back in America just how much I am going to miss this wacky little land. Now I'm starting to get sentimental at the little things and all the things I'll never see again.

I'll never see Buddha's birthday again, or the cherry blossoms, or the yellow dust, or strawberries, the grapes will be gone soon too, and Oh god... summer is almost over, there will never been a green Korea for me again!!!

And I'm definitely not ready to start saying goodbye to people in 6 months! I'm just starting to get to know them all.... and to rub salt in my wounds, today was my first day back at middle school. They informed me that schedules had changed and I won't be coming back to them anymore. I'll just stay all week at my elementary school.

I literally had to fight back tears! That school keeps me sane!! I can't stand having to say goodbye to these kids, they make me so happy. I'm going to miss my boys. They light up my days and we have so much fun. I had finally figured out my rhythm and had so many fun things planned. I was going to be a much better teacher this semester. Now it ended before it began.

I had freedom at this school. Just me and my boys, no co-teachers. No curriculum. No books. Just whatever I threw at them. My elementary school is the polar opposite. Strict curriculum, always going word for word by the book, constantly being scrutinized by co-teachers in class who sometimes let me do little more than be a human tape recorder.

This sucks!!!

Eh, you know the saying: When life hands you lemons... get out the friggin' salt and tequila, it's time for some shots!!!

Uhg, on second thought, after last weekends buckets-o-tequila.... I think I'm done for a while.

"Happiness Is A Warm Puppy"

On Sunday evening I was on the subway in Seoul and a man was peddling cell phones accessories. I noticed the bag he was carrying and, in English, it said, "Happiness is a warm puppy."

This immediately got me thinking.

Let's do a little math, shall we?

If: Happiness is a warm puppy
Then: A = B

And according to Mallory's co-worker, Mr. Yoon, "Eating time is happy time" where Eating time is C

If: we assume Happy Time is equivalent to Happiness

Then: Eating time is Happiness
So: C = A

then....

we apply the Transitive Property of Equality ( if A=B and B=C then A=C)

and since we already established that B = C and inversely C = B

then: Eating time is a warm puppy

now...

factor in the given: Korean people eat dog meat

then: C = B (Eating time is a warm puppy) could very well be a true statement!!!

now...

factor in the variable that many Koreans believe dog meat increases male virility and stamina

then: Eating time is bow chicka wow wow ????

In conlusion: I shouldn't think so hard after a 20+ hour flight!!!!!!

Home Sweet Home

A brief synopsis of my vacation in the States:

• Birthday burgers with the Bucklew clan, all 15 of us
• making Vietnamese food with my best bud and sis
• shopping shopping shopping, since I only brought one pair of pants and one shirt home
• Ben's 30th birthday
• running around Raleigh trying to see all my friends and not getting enough time with any of them
• Getting to meet and rub on my favorite baby bump in the world!
• Teaching old church ladies about getting lei'd
• 20 hour kamikaze drive to WV with my sis for only a few hours of visiting
• Showing Jen and Bec the kind of 'shit' Korean kids learn
• Buying G'ma slutty hot pants
• Stealing a kiss from an old friend
• Meeting the newest and bluest (eyed) member of the Franzese clan
• Meeting the mini-Mercer man
• Wally world to buy all the swag for my Korean peeps
• and Food. Glorious, vast, copious amounts of fattening, delicious, tear inducing, gut gorging fooooooood!!!!

Korean Men Wear Manties!

Korean men wear manties! All of them!

The "boxers vs. briefs" debate ceases to exist here. There are no boxers or briefs, unless you count the above picture as a brief. Men here prefer bikini underwear which come in a variety of prints: Butterflies (like above) leopard, zebra, red silk, etc.

Now, I have no problem with men having a little fun and going a little wacky with the undergarments, hell, I think it's entertaining. However, it's just one more thing that bugs me here. In my "I miss sex" post earlier this month, I touched on how men are overtly cute here... and I don't mean that in a good way.

If I've learned nothing else about myself while living in Korea, I have learned this: I like masculine men. There I said it. I like a guy who is a little rough around the edges, one who actually has 5 o'clock shadow by the end of the day, someone who actually gets dirty from time to time and whose arm muscles are actually bigger than mine.

And even as adorable as I find my co-teacher, Dong-Uk, he is just that... adorable. Anytime I try to have a conversation with him he spends half the time covering his face, giggling in embarrassment, over the most mundane topics. And it's not just him. It's a cultural thing. Most Koreans are culturally shy. Even my "outgoing" coworkers who hit on me on a regular basis end up giggling and literally running away when I talk to them. I miss confidence. I miss that cockiness that for some reasons Americans just seem to be born with.

Men really play up to the cultural cuteness here. There is one commercial that I see 100 times a day that drives me crazy. The male actor, while pitching his product, is playing coy. Similar to the way you know when a woman is flirting... batting his eyelashes, tilting his head back, finger in his mouth, then covers his mouth as he giggles and collapses his shoulders downward. This commercial makes me want to scream, "Man up, damnit!!"

This totally confuses me. I've never been into jocks, or jarheads, or meatheads or any kind of macho tough guy before. But a few weeks ago, at Mud-fest, it might as well have been called Meat-fest! There were foreign men everywhere. Big ones, towering over me, with big man muscles and you could feel the testosterone in the air. My girlfriends and I were like kids in a candy store!!!

On my first day teaching at my middle school I was asked to stand up in front of the faculty and introduce myself. Afterwards, they had a few questions for me.

#1: Q: Are you married?
A: No.
#2: Q: How do you feel about dating Korean men?
A: Uuuuhhhh.....

At the time, that was an accurate answer. I was indifferent. Neither for nor against the idea. Now I'm sorry to say that I'm not really interested.

Unless... you are talking about my hunky hunky Korean crush (me and about every other female in Asia) Lee Byung Hun. Mmmmmm. (Go check out the new G.I. Joe movie to get a taste of the manliest man in Korea! God love him!)

No Boobs? No Butt? No Problem!

After spending most of this month in transit, either crashing on friends' floors or staying in Korean motels, that are little more than an empty room with a few blankets in the corner, I have discovered the evolutionary reason as to why Korean women have very little when it comes to boobs, butts, and hips...   Sleeping.

As a society that sleeps primarily on the floor, with little or no padding under them, having curvy woman parts is an absolute handicap.  Having any one of the aforementioned girly bits is quite a hinderance but having all three is complete torture!

If you lay on  your back your butt prevents you from laying flat causing you to get a kink in your spine, you can roll over to your side but your hip is going to take all the pressure and dig into the floor and good luck trying to breathe when lying on your stomach with all the pressure on your chest! 

Though, after sleeping on the floor for the vast majority of July, I am starting to get used to it.   One of the places where I often sleep, and is one of the most comfortable, is on Anastasia's floor...  Though she thinks the comfort level of her floor has more to do with my level of intoxication when I'm staying over rather than the actual feeling of her floor. 

... hmmm.  Very possible.

  Korean motel room on Ulleungdo Island

I Miss Sex!

In America, sex sells.  

In Korea, that's not the case.  Cute sells.  

Every commercial, tv show, and K-pop band is pumped full of doe-eyed, innocent looking, brightly dressed, giggling personalities. 

Case in point:  Girls Generation.   A huge K-pop band here. 

 

When I arrived here in Korea, their smash-hit "Gee" was playing from every store and restaurant, not to mention every kid's ipod.  The song was unavoidable.... and tranquilizing due to the fact that is song is so damn catchy it almost makes you catatonic. 

However, I was blown away when I saw the video for "Gee".  First, the sheer number of them... there are 9!  Secondly, there isn't an ounce of flesh, or smidge of silicone that can be seen in the video.  

The closest American girl group counterpart that I could come up with is the Pussycat Dolls.  Even the name oozes with sex.  Not to mention they are bursting with enhanced girly bits, their songs are about removing their clothes, and watching a video is basically like being in a strip club in your own living room.

And damn I miss that!

I'm so tired of being killed with cuteness!  Every commercial, every show, every time... cute cute cute!  I'm around 800 little kiddies a week, I get all the cute I can handle then!

I miss the raunchiness of American tv.  I miss things being overtly sexual and downright inappropriate just for the shock value.  I miss sex!!

What's even more annoying is that even men play up to the cute factor here in Korea.  It's nauseating and somewhat disturbing....

...Oh, but I'll save that blog for another day.

Cha-Cha-Changes...

Something odd is going on here.

I keep noticing myself doing odd little things.

Like today for instance, at lunch I was eating my soup ( I've already been suckered back into eating Korean lunches) and I looked down and noticed my left hand was participating! Who invited her to the party?!?

I'm using my spoon with my right hand (as usual) but notice my left hand picking up hunks of (unidentified) meat with chopsticks and placing it on my spoon! Wow, when did I learn that trick? Hmmm... congratulations lefty, you are purely decorative no more!

And in the same meal I noticed another freaky phenomenon! I took one bite of my soup and thought it was too bland... so I scooped spoonful after spoonful of hot red pepper paste into my bowl!

WTF? Me and spicy? No way man. Never saw that one coming!

I've also developed a Korean attitude towards elevators. Normally, I would get in, push the floor button and wait for the door to close. Koreans and incredibly impatient. They get in, hit the floor button, and immediately and repeatedly hit the 'door close' button.

I've noticed that now when I get in the elevator I push the "12" button then start jamming my finger on those two little arrows that point towards each other, even though there is only a 2 second difference between pushing it and just waiting for the door to close.

And living out in the sticks has made me lose all my patients for traffic. I was in Daegu last week and was sitting in traffic in a cab for just a few min and wanted to pull my hair out!

How am I going to readjust to being back home??? I'm actually getting nervous about going home. That feels odd. I wasn't neverous to come here but I have serious butterflies about going back.

Hmmm... but it will be nice to drive a car again!

26, 27, 28...

Once again, the first week of July is upon us and my twenties are rapidly approaching their end.

Thus far, my twenties have been spent finding myself.

... and damn it, I've looked everywhere!!!  Where the hell am I already?!?

This year I find myself in Korea... next year.... anyone's guess.  Maybe I'll throw another dart at a globe, seems to be working so far!